after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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