i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
