Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
