tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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