hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
