There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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