woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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