so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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