You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
