Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize