Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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