I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
