I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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