I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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