I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize