My sheets look like a crime scene.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she peed on how many people?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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