I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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