Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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