the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
