I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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