My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
