Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
