why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just puked most of my soul out..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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