She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
