I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize