Don't make out with my wife yet
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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