Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
