Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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