i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize