k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
