90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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