sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
