I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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