No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
