its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
