its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
