You're my little dorito
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
