Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
