He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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