I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
