Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
