I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
