there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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