There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
