dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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