i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
