Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize