my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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