there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
