tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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