I just threw up on my dentist
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
