Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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