You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize