When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
