I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
