Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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