I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
