I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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