Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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