Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
