bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
