Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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