hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
