The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
