you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize