Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize