u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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