This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
